24 Sep (Mon)… … As usual i went Yishun,a new friend of mine,XZ,went fetched me as there’ll be ‘qi-chia’ at Tuas. Before going over to 830,i bought mooncake for yc’s mum,went to his house before he came back from work. XZ came fetched me at 11pm,during our conversations,he knew yc and BITCH,what i heard from him really made me realised that i didn’t make the wrong decision by giving up… Though my heart hurts upon learning those things but at least it made me woke up,i know i can’t keep on dreaming le. Putting up a false front was indeed very difficult but what to do,i’m used to doing it since May he left me for that BITCH. My mood picked up when i saw his car,he was with his friends and OMG,he knew XZ too… Infact XZ got many friends that i know too,the circles of friends for playing cars really small. But he didn’t even bother to talk to me so why should i care though deep in my heart how i wished he’ll sent me back. The 2nd time XZ raced with his friend,i was inside the car,i can say this was the 1st time i was inside someone’s car when in high speed,haha… SHIOKX lor… That night,nothing was on my mind except him. While on our way sending me back by AYE,i realised that it was a long journey for Hougang and Clementi,really far sia. We sms awhile when i’m home,he’s cold,his reply were short and simple… Before i sleep,yc sms me saying thank you for the mooncake and asked why am i still so good to him after those things he’s done and hurting me lots,i replied saying the mooncake is for his mum and not him,lolx… Haix,although it hurts me to tell him i got so many cars fetching me around but since he already made that BITCH his gf though he kept assuring me she’s not fit,there’s nothing i could say to make him belief that i’m really happy,really happy… Slowly as days passed by,i’m deleting his past messages,no point leaving them in my hp anymore,when he’s out of my life,those messages should be gone too… Living as his puppet for so long is enough le,but now i seems to be living as another one’s puppet cause i think he realised that his feelings for me is just a crush… Why iszit my whole life is in a mess since the day he left me? I don’t appreciate those who loves me,rather hurt myself by loving someone who won’t give me happiness…

25 Sep (Tue)… … Meet Ah Bee at YCK mrt station to go Yishun together,he’s a real joker,full of rubbish… Had dinner there,twice sia,keke… WC fetched me at 11pm,went Chinatown de ‘Cherry’,it was a thai disco pub… 4 of us 2 jugs of beer,went home after that,me really not in the mood for anything,had my vodka alone when i was home,listening to those ‘tan-kup’ powerful songs… Mind was blank,no tears rolled down but i knew my heart was crying. Should i give him a chance to prove that he won’t hurt me and able to bring me happiness??? But before i do it,i must make sure YC and ST(T) were out of my mind,if not i won’t be fair to him,having someone on my mind when i’m with him… I’m trying my best not to think of them but can’t wor… … Haix,everyday living like this i’ll go mad,who can help me???
 

To summarize how i feel for the past 1 week,since the day i meet up with him… The feeling that he gave me was somehow special,he ever said that he’s honest by telling me how he feel but i never,but even if i did… So what? He still loves his ex,should be waiting for her ba. But i’ll never forget the joy and laughter that he brought for me the 3 days when we were out together,the care that he’s shown on me and the small hug from him… I know i shouldn’t walk in circles anymore,but when i’m ready to take a step out,such things gotta happen,heart breaks heal but heart still aches. I know my feeling for him is not just a crush,but maybe his feel for me is which resulted in he’s kinda cold towards me. If you happen to read my blog,just wana let you know that i dare to blog means i’m honest and i don’t wana hide my feelings,you should know who you are… Like what you’ve said before,whatever wana happens will happens… I shall wait… …

21 Sep (Fri)… … Meeting E to Fly,while on my way to VIvio,he sms me,but couldn’t describe my feelings at that time. I was told to sms him when i’m done at Fly but when i didn’t get his reply when i told him i’m at Fly,was kinda disappointed… I was controlling the amount of liquor i drank as i didn’t want to reek of liquor when he fetched me,but when he didn’t replied my sms and answered my calls,i started the normal way of my drinking le. Had quite a number of shots at different tables,had martell,hennessy and beer that night… My ‘da-lin’ from MOS went Fly find me,so happy cause quite long didn’t club with her le,i know she’s not feeling good,just let her vent her frustrations by drinking and dancing. Saw many friends that night,should be happy about it but he made me lost all my moods of playing and enjoying… What am i doing again? Why am i feeling so down because of a guy again? Maybe he’s abit young for me… …
22 Sep (Sat)… … So super shagx,rotted at home the whole day before preparing myself to go Yishun for a funeral,my bro’s dad had passed away. Got WC to send me there,lucky got MH to company me as my bro was at home sleeping. Suddenly i saw 2 familiar faces,yc’s cousins… So shocked to see them there,but kinda expected also de lah cause my bro’s dad was sort of influential people when he’s alive. The good soul,WC went back fetched me again when i’m ready and we went Boat Quay find his friends. When i didn’t received his reply,my heart cried again… But of course,i didn’t showed it out,enjoyed myself with those funny people. The moment i heard S got Chivas at ‘MongKok’,i flew down. keke… No lah,WC sent me there,and when i’m ready to go,he went fetched me again. Haix… Will he get the wrong idea? I feel so loved and protected when i’m with someone who like me,but at the same time i feel so lost cause the one i like is not beside me…
23 Sep (Sun)… … Another day to rot at home,gotta wait till 9pm then go JB. E and J cam fetched me,they are my brothers whom i gotta respect. J was driving the new accord wor,such a comfortable car. They brought me to Bermas for the famous ‘lok-lok’,and as the 3 of us got big appetite,we ate alot,so yummy wor… Haix,then i was there kana brainwash by J for almost 2hrs,made WC waited at Yishun for so long. Blur blur me,barred all the outgoing calls for my auto-roaming,cannot call or sms to anybody,so sad… And never did i expect he’ll sms me… As soon as i reached Singapore,i asked him if he wana meet but… … So sorry to make WC waited so long,while i’m on my way to Yishun,he was on his way to JB,made him go fetched me when he came back,keke…
 

20 Sep (Thur)… … 4mths le,we’ve broken up for this long but i admit that i still can’t forget him. I knew he view my profile  and blog with the nick ‘x-factor’,i knew he knew that my life’s very interesting now,but so what,he’s the one who forced me to become the NAUGHTY SHADOW instead of the ‘ting hua’ SHADOW when i’m with him… This guy whom i’ve known many years back really left a very big impact on my life,even greater than the ex-bf i together with for 4yrs. Although i’m not that blur as compared to 3mths back but i’m still blur in the way that i’ll sms wrong person,accidentally bumped into something,many typo error,walked the wrong direction… … The person whom i wanted to meet most just won’t bring me out,after i asked him if his feelings for me iszit just a crush… If i’m not wrong,he still can’t forget his ex-gf. Did he or me appear at the right time for each other? Why is everyone experiencing the same problem huh? If falling in love now can helps forget the pain without hurting the new love,how nice it’ll be… Kinda brighten up when WC told me there’s ‘qi-chia’,at least is something i like. But we were late,by the time we reached 40 tiangs,they finished le,so sad wor… But the happy thing was that i saw Mr T when we headed for a place to have a drink,chatted awhile then he went home le… When i told him there’s race,he replied me saying his car very slow and etc,so entertaining lor… Whole of that night,no sms from him even though i took the initiative to ask if he needed me to wake him up for lesson anot. I’ve been wanting to go Yishun Dam since Wednesday,to recall sweet memories or to leave that place with all the pains on this day,i myself also don’t know,just had the feeling of going there nia. Why do i always encounter the same problem,the one i love and the one who love me is different person… Why??? Couldn’t really sleep though i’m very tired,finished the 1/4 of Vodka,on the rock… Listening to my ‘tan-kup’ songs,but surprisingly no tears wor… Iceberg has been frozen once again,almost melted 3 days ago but this time when it froze,its even harder to melt le… …
ps: x-factor,thanks for your love for the past 1yr 6mths when we were together,none of us is perfect in any ways but we still accommodate each other in many ways…i can’t always be there to worry for you,but i know i’ll always be here if you need a listening ear.letting go is what everybody wants me to do,stepping into another relationship is what everybody hope to see,but… …is that what you really want me to do???whatever it is,please take very good care of yourself.
*as for that ‘him’ whom i mentioned,we shall see how it goes,whatever wana happens will happens…nobody likes to be others’ substitute,the feeling is very bad.when i’m with you i know very clearly that you are who you are…the feeling you gave me is great,lotsa craps and of course the care you shown on me is very warming.thanks for making me realised that there’s still someone out there who can do such a silly thing,but i don’t think there’ll be a third le,though you’re not the first but at least you’re the last liao…
 

19 Sep (Wed)… … Head was still pain when i woke up,had to take mc,therefore went back to sleep. Aiya,overshot,didn’t woke him up. Instead of going to my family doctor,went to the clinic at Hg Point,the doctor diagnoised me with tension headache due to stress and of course having been thinking too much. WC came fetched me at 10plus,wanted to go dam but had to go Liang Court meet up his friends first. They suggested Arab St to ‘fog’ but decided to go pub instead,BeerBelly… Stupid WC kept getting near me,while i kept moving away,almost sticking to the wall le. Haix,kinda regretted to go drinking,the more i drink the more my mind wana think of him. In order to keep myself happy,kept myself busy joking around with WC’s friends… And of course,i sang my favourite songs,’ye xu’ and ‘dui de ren’. This is the 2nd time i took WC’s car,lucky i don’t have heart attack,if not i’ll be scared out of my wits by him. Although i like fast cars but doesn’t mean can play with my life lor… Since his actions all so obvious,i can only take each step by a time,it’ll be bad if i immedaitely told him off. Lucky i was not as blur as 2mths ago whenever comes to this day which i hate,but i was still quite lost,still in search for the direction to happiness. He must be very happy with his life now,all i can do is give him my warmest blessings,hopefully when i found my partner he’ll do the same too… I’m willing to step out to take another risk by gambling one more time,but who’s willing to stretch out his hands to hold me tight without letting go???

我没有你想像中那么 坚强
我只是擅长用微笑去伪装　不是吗
我没有你形容的那么勇敢
我偶尔也会慌

我也和你一样　曾经年少轻狂
受了一点伤
我们都是一样　相信永远不远
但坚持却有点难

就让记忆中的爱慢慢烧
烧痛了我们就逃
带着现实的铐
摺叠我剩余的微笑
通往没有你的轨道

就让记忆中的你慢慢老
老去了谁也得不到
带着我的祈祷
摺叠我累积的问号
开始一次的单身潜逃

18 Sep (Tue)… … Was at work on the dot though i woke up late. Sotong very lazy,still sleeping till i called him,gotta go for lesson still sleeping like a pig lor… Was sort of busy at work but still could finish on time,went home for a short rest as soon as i off work,cause Sotong bringing me to JB as promised,keke… Meet Ah Di at Hg Point for coffee and Sotong went there fetched me at 10pm. As i was having stupid headache for the whole day,wasn’t really in the mood to joke around,head damn pain lor… After having our porridge,went Pelangi that side to pump petrol and buy cigarettes,and stupid Sotong forced me to eat panadol… YUCKS!!! I hate it… Whenever i’m to take panadol,YC will bite into pieces for me,but now no more him le,how to take??? Upon learning that,Sotong really bite the panadol into small pieces for me lor… At that very moment,memories flooded my mind,my heart almost melted but i told myself that Sotong is Sotong,YC is YC… I thought that no more guy will ever do that,it was damn bitter when bite into small pieces,but still there’s another silly guy who’s willing to do it. He’s very caring towards me but at the same time like to make fun of me,so angry and yet at the same time feeling so sweet… Its already 4mths le,i’m still wandering around,still can’t make up my mind. Others may think i still want to play,but for those who know what i’ve been through will understand that i’m afraid,very afraid to step into a relationship now. I’m afraid of getting hurt,and at the same time don’t wana hurt anybody too… Will the relationship last if i’m going to step into one right now? Who can promise eternal love or true love? I just want a simple life,to lead a simple life with someone whom i can rely on,just who is this person,even i myself also don’t know. As for those who can’t give me anything,please don’t promise me anything,i hate empty promises… I ‘d rather be with someone who love me more than i love him,than to fall in love with someone whom i love very much and ended up getting hurt again… The wound may heal but the pain is hard to ease,those memories are even harder to forget. Haix…

~ You Live Longer Once You Realised That Time Spent Being Unhappy Is Wasted ~

15 Sep (Sat)… … *yawnx* So super damn shagx,sleep 3hrs after drinking. Itchy backside went drinking knowing that there’s a full day training today… My colleague,D,also came with a pair of droppy eyes. During the lecture,my eyes were closing… Then we had introduction session,for new comers,gotta do a short presentation,so nervous lor. Then the management of QSS celebrated birthday for those born in the month of September,and i’m included too. There were 4 of us and of course,i’m the only girl. There were presents for us too,the representative to pass me my present is Joseph,someone who have a slimy look… We had refreshments and continue with the lecture. Whenever there’s a short break,i’ll go smoking with those guys cause none of the ladies smoke. They even made fun of me saying they’ll draw a small circle specially for me as my smoking area,haha!!! As it was a full day training,so it’s untill 5.30pm,lucky we played a short game if not i’m really going to fall asleep le. I’m beginning to like the environment and my colleagues,we’re like a big family,we work in a team,everyone is so friendly. After the training,i headed straight home,so feel like sleeping. Wanted to watch soccer at 7pm,my favourite team Man U is playing,but before the match start,i fell asleep le but woke up at 8plus for my dinner then went back to my dreamland again. Woke up at 2plus,saw his sms… Then at 4plus he asked again if i’ve sleep but i didn’t reply,followed by another sms telling me not to drink so much. I was shocked!!! My no replying meant to him that i’m outside drinking wor,how can he think like that of me? So i replied saying i’m home the whole night sleeping…

16 Sep (Sun)… … Woke up at 12plus,gave him morning call,what am i doing sia??? I nua at home the whole day,was feeling funny,no mood for anything. After my dinner,asked T if he wanted la-kopi,so he came fetched me. Had a short chat with my da-lin then went Jln Kayu prata la-kopi with T. Went over to dam,saw ‘FLY’ and friends there,went home around 2am and chatted with T without realising that its already 4am le. I was so enthusiatic whenever the topic is about cars,’teong-chias’ my favourite… Yearing for Friday,wana get T to fetch me go OG,few weeks never go le,heart itchy wor… keke… Don’t know but why,whenever those guys learn that what car he’s driving,they’ll say they don’t dare fetch me,scared he’ll poke their backside if saw me in car,their cars are too slow so don’t suit me cause i should be in fast cars… Am i that kind of person??? Well,for those who don’t know to find out liao lor… …

Had lunch at Singapore Post with someone full of craps,he fetched me at office but i was raining so heavily when he reached… Had a mocha ice blended + a piece of cheese cake. By the time he sent me back to office,the rain stopped! Am i really that ’suay’??? Mr S came fetched after work to go back ex-co to take my stuffs,went Bugis walk walk while waiting for my sister,S for steamboat. Aiyo,dear J saw me but i didn’t see her leh… After dinner,i headed straight down to FLY,as usual,went over to S that group’s table. Was drinking slowly at first but after a few shots were down,i start le… E was all along behind me but i didn’t recognised him till don’t know why i turned around to ask if he was J’s friend. It was exceptionally fun,strange wor… A new colleague of mine joined me for awhile before going other place with his friend. G came also but i was lazy to go out look for him,it was so packed lor. Then i saw someone whom so long didn’t see him le,it was C,he’s getting more yan-dao le. Asked if i’m suitable to perm my hair,he said it was still not long enough,must wait… As i was getting more high,went out to smoke with G then went over PowerHouse to take cover,really cannot le. OMG!!! Tomorrow still got full-day training lor,die liao lah… Arghhhhhhh,drinking is about love and hate. Love it when it makes me high but hate it when it makes me drunk ~ be high don’t be drunk. Will sleep better when high,but still many things will come onto my mind,before sleep must ‘tan-kup’,haix… Suddenly quite miss him but he’s my memory anyway,i’m on the way heading for my happiness,but who huh???